how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think your dad took our porno
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
