Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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