so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
