I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Less talking, more tequila
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
