Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
