I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
