Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
