You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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