Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize