if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
