This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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