You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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