Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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