Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize