I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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