Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
