tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
