I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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