My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
