my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
