btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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