i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
