Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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