I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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