I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
