Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
