You just made me feel so damn special
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's shark week go big or go home
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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