The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
time to smoke my breakfast
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
