you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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