this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
