i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
