I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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