Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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