Your face is a jimmy john
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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