I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
