I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wish there were birth control emojis
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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