Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
