I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In other news, I just burned my penis
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
