theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
