For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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