Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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