Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just found puke in my bra..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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