I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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