I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
