im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
