Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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