My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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