Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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