my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize