I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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