he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
don't judge my taste in strippers
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
