My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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