guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
