Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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