I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
