well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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