he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
